Nancy 20050129B

436 Cissy Pansy 29.01.2005 B Shame And Apology

(Curtsey)
Dear Madam Rebecca, Mistresses and sissies,

When writing letters to this group I have tried to take Auburn's honesty as my model. With this in mind, I must relate what came to pass late on the evening of Saturday, 29th January.
My Mistress and I were sitting eating a meal I'd cooked and enjoying a bottle of wine. The feelings I experienced are starting to fade now, so I feel the wine must be at least partly responsible for my revelation and subsequent shame.

I commented, and Mistress concurred, how much more submissive, subservient and polite I am when dressed as a Maid. It is my failing that, at present, I am not nearly so well-mannered when dressed in male clothing. It is the clothes which bring about a change in my demeanour. I said, "The clothes maketh the man," and then it occurred to me that I act in this way because I think it is expected of me when dressed as a Female. I expect Females to act in this way and I am trying to emulate Them. in other words, I think of Females as submissive, subservient and polite.

I acknowledge that politeness is a virtue but I was appalled to realise that, somewhere deep in my subconscious, I associate Ladies with submissiveness and subservience. I am a scientist and consciously try and rationalise my world and my reaction to it. Though my parents have their prejudices, I have striven to eliminate mine. (Mistress cannot see how my views came to be so different from theirs). I thought I had taught myself better and this was a very uncomfortable piece of self-knowledge.

I am deeply shocked to find I hold, albeit unwittingly, such reprehensible prejudices and I wish to apologise publicly and sincerely to all Ladies. For what it's worth, I am sorry. This is my failing and I am ashamed.

Yours sincerely,
Cissy Pansy
(Curtsey)

Dear Cissy Pansy,

Although no doubt Others will respond to your post, the undersigned unworthy sissy would be inclined to suggest that you have nothing to be ashamed of in your feelings. It is, in my humble opinion, precisely this that makes it necessary for some of us to don Feminine attire and take on the experiences of being submissive and subservient, as well as the experiences of being punished, abused and humiliated: that we recognize that this has been the role that Women have been forced to take on for centuries, and from which They have not yet entirely escaped. Having been raised in a male-dominated culture, of course even the most enlightened of us males still have these ideas about Women. It is yet difficult for me to look upon a Woman, even One of exalted stature and accomplishments, and not think of Her as a sex object, even though I have tried all my life to treat Women with the utmost respect. Therefore, we sissies offer ourselves as a sacrifice; an atonement for our own sins and for the sins of all males. We undertake to experience a bit of what Women have had to endure, and in doing so we both work to correct the internalized vestiges of sexism within ourselves and also gain further respect for Women, Who have somehow managed to accomplish so much while being restricted and repressed at every turn. In corset and heels, I myself have to labour mightily just to keep from falling down or passing out from hypoxia, let alone serve others or work competently, and yet how many Women have excelled in similar circumstances? Therefore, let us continue our worship of Women, knowing we can never be their equals, and knowing that freeing ourselves from the strictures on our minds placed by society must be our life's work, never completed, but always in process and, hopefully, in progress.

So I would humbly suggest that the important thing is not that you had such a feeling, but what you do about it. As a sissy who must undertake to do the best he can without the firsthand assistance of a Mistress, I have made it a practice to constantly make note of my failings in this regard, and to undertake an appropriate punishment at the first opportunity.

In Unity,
Elise Jeanette Lesubbe

(Curtsey)
Dear Elise,

Thank you for your kind words of support.

However, I fear I may be worse than I suspected.

For some time now I have been aware of an adrenalin rush whenever I'm passed in my car by an attractive business Lady in an up-market car. It's worse when there are two of Them!
Today I was editing a message thread I'd copied from ThHW2 in which Auburn was relating the wonderful success of her Wife in Her career, baulked (for the moment) at the last hurdle by the prejudices of others. The same thing happened. I've been unable to identify the emotion and I now think it may be a conflation of two. I know it's nothing to do with the car per se and I certainly don't want to race Them (They'd be speeding in order to overtake me anyway). However, there is certainly an element of wanting to show off in order to attract Her/Their attention and I do believe I am jealous!

The upmarket car signals personal success: many Women with successful husbands let him drive the big car; They drive something smaller; more petite and Feminine. No, these Ladies are good at what THEY do and that explains my wholly inexcusable reaction to the news (albeit old) of Auburn's Wife's success, too. I've admitted that I feel frustrated and undervalued in my career (no, let's be honest; my job: even I can no longer pretend to have a career) although I am very successful, but news of male success doesn't give me the frisson of excitement that Female success does. Instead I feel resentful, angry and depressed.

Perhaps the kindest interpretation that can be given is that I want to be Them; attractive, successful and Female!

I started to write this a few days ago and I've been examining my feelings, reactions and memories quite closely over the intervening time. I had the same response when I saw the scene in one of the Matrix movies when a rubber-clad Domme and Subbe Female Couple walked into a night club. My interpretation was that They were Lesbian.

On further reflection, perhaps I'm just thrilled by the (sexual) authority radiating from a successful Lady Whom I'd love to serve.

Love,
Cissy Pansy
(Curtsey)

Dear Cissy Pansy,

I deliberately waited a day to offer a response to your reply so that I might respond with deep reflection.

The issue you bring up is one that is, in fact, difficult to come to grips with and difficult to write about, because it touches on some very basic spiritual truths, and ultimately there is no way of writing about spiritual truths other than in paradox, which always sounds like a cop-out - a dodge - to someone who has not had the experience of seeing the Truth that is beyond the paradox. And this is a good example of why I so strongly feel that to be a sissy without an awareness of the broader spiritual truth being expressed and the importance of the broader spiritual context for both the individual and the world as a whole is to miss the greater part of the whole experience.

The nub of the issue comes down to the nature of human beings as it comes to spirit: to look at it one way, our highest, purest, most selfless spiritual strivings are wrought through with corruption, ego and selfishness. Perhaps the clearest expression of this can be found in the writings of the monk Thomas Merton who, despite his abstemious lifestyle, was keenly aware of his imperfection and his fallenness. To look at it the other way: the lowest, basest of human desires are expressions of the Highest Perfection and Glory. The universe was made by the Divine Being in its imperfect form because this suited Her Perfect Purpose. For a clear expression of this side of things, Meister Eckhart comes to my mind. But the most important Truth is this: that both of these perspectives are true, but both are false, because both are limited. The Truth includes both those viewpoints, utterly without contradiction. Now I know there is no way to get there logically; one can only attain that perspective by means of spiritually transformative technologies such as meditation.

Now, to apply this philosophical claptrap to the specifics of your experience: Like you, I also experience varying degrees of excitement, sometimes rather intense, when seeing Women of various kinds and sorts. What is this? Is this the male beast in me, lusting after Them, wanting to possess Them sexually? No doubt that part is still there. But the real question, to me, is what do I then do with it? Like the alchemists, whose obsession with turning base metal into gold was often thought to be a pursuit of mere chemistry or nuclear physics, but was actually a spiritual quest, like the good sissy I am, the fantasy I allow myself to indulge in when I find myself being excited by the sight of a Woman is to imagine myself serving Her, most submissively. Turning what may be a base metal into gold, I transform what might start out as a mere lecherous impulse and turn it into an awareness of my true purpose and function, my karma and my dharma, and how I can transform the world around me by doing what I want to most.

As to your being especially excited by seeing a Woman driving an expensive automobile, I too have had similar feelings, and have chided myself at my crass materialism, but upon reflection have come to realize that what I find exciting is that I imagine the Woman is powerful, and I realize that there is nothing wrong with my being excited by a Woman being powerful. And on this planet at this time, Women who are affluent are more likely to wield power than those who do not. Of course, it is good to take the time to remind myself that there are many kinds of power and some Women who have little financial power may possess great personal power and that besides that, all Women are to be respected and revered.

So do these feelings reflect your shortcomings or your strengths? Perhaps it depends on what you do with them. A truly spiritual perspective is one that enables you to take faults and shortcomings and transform them into growth experiences. And there is no doubt in my mind as I read your many posts concerning your struggles with your current transformations of your life and your relationships, you are growing spiritually.

In love and admiration,
Elise

(Curtsey)
Dear Elise,

Once again I thank you for your kind and very thoughtful words. I, too, have delayed my reply while I took the time to try and fully understand what you said. I think I do, but you'll forgive me if I don't try and explain. This letter has been further delayed by problems I've been having with my Psion. I don't get much time on-line or using the PC, so much of what I do is written on a pocket computer. I also prefer to read more detailed letters on it as I've found it to be much closer to the printed word and, therefore, easier to understand. It's psychological, I know, but real enough to me. Anyway, the Psion-PC link has been malfunctioning and I wasn't able to transfer your letter.

I'm afraid my theology/spiritualism isn't up to your standard. When I attended school, Religious Education was compulsory until age 16 (1984), but this amounted to little more than paraphrasing the Bible. At the time, I didn't believe in God, so the lessons were little more than second-rate English comprehension. Only one Teacher seemed to have any enthusiasm and Her year of lessons was easily the best. We asked to be taught comparative religion, but we were told that wasn't allowed!

Consequently, my limited knowledge of other belief systems is restricted to what I've been able to glean in passing.

Your letter contains some sound advice and I will attempt to sublimate my baser feelings. I am materialistic, but not wholly so: I've been able to restrict it to books and stamp collecting and allowing my Wife de facto control of my finances will stop these, too. I'd like to mention that the expensive cars are purely symbolic; a representation of my fantasy projection of Their personalities and lives. I have a strange sense of patriotism and, if I was driving an expensive car, I'd prefer it to be British (which these days restricts my choice to Rover and TVR!) and I really don't want the fashionable executive cars of choice; BMW and Mercedes. I drive a basic 1994 Vauxhall (GM) Astra with nearly 170,000 miles on the clock!

Here's to us all conquering our inner demons.

Love,
Cissy Pansy
(Curtsey)